I've written a few posts on my personal blog lately and wanted to share them here to continue documenting our embryo adoption journey...ALL aspects of it.
MONDAY, MARCH 21, 2011
I'm waiting. I'm anxious. I'm impatient. And I'm content. Wait...what?! Content? I don't typically "wait" well for things (hence, the anxiousness and impatience), so I find it odd to look inside myself and find contentment too. I'm on the verge of complete fulfillment of a dream I have literally had since I was a little girl. It's so close, I can almost touch it. Any day now, it could be 100% fulfilled. I just don't know when that day might be. (According to my pregnancy ticker, it's only 19 days away!)
So why am I content? I'm just trying to slow myself down and remember to enjoy this time I still have. On the outside, it's just our family of 3. Me and my boy. A mother of one. On the inside, it's just her and me - and no one else. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to share her or that I'm just SO physically comfortable these days that I don't want her to come out. That's certainly not the case at all! It's just knowing that after she's born, so many things will be different.
My boy won't have the attention he used to. My love, hugs, kisses, arms, and lap will have to be shared. A bit of freedom that I have gained with a 3 year old will be lost as we re-enter the infant stage.
I'll never again feel her move inside of me. I'll never feel her stretch from head to toe and be able to complain at her that it hurts, insisting there's just NOT ENOUGH ROOM to do that. She won't be in there to flip-flop around or to practice kickboxing as I'm trying to fall asleep at night. I won't be the only one to feel her hiccups...like I do right now!
However, I will be able to introduce her to so many people who have been praying for her. I will be able to gaze into her eyes and feel her in my arms as I take in her sweet smells, knowing that because of Him and His faithfulness, my body carried her safely through a full-term pregnancy and brought her into this world. I'll be able to grant her big brother's current request to hold "baby sister" and allow him to give her kisses.
A song came to mind as I was thinking about all of this. As a mom, it's always "gotten me", bringing me to tears wherever I am as I realize that there are times I DO wish certain days/ages/phases would pass. But Trace Adkins is right -- I AM going to miss this. All of it.
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